Central Line Blues

She was pushing into my back so I pushed back.
She pushed again so I said, "Excuse me, would you mind stop pushing."
She said, "Why don't you move in?"
I said, "I can't, this gentleman is in the way. Why don't you move in?" What I meant to say was, "What am I, a bloody hobbit?"
She looked at the small gap and pushed her way through. "Well, I can fit it." She almost looked pleased with herself, as much as one can be when one is squashed like a sardine in a hot, smelly tube carriage first thing in the morning.
"Good for you," I said. "And have a nice day." It's good to be polite.
She grumbled and turned her back on me. Then everyone ignored everyone again as we all swayed rudely into each other through the long tunnels under the city.
For a fleeting moment at least, two strangers made contact in this fragmentised society. Not good contact, granted, and, on reflection, another date opportunity shot to pieces.

She Was Picky Yet She Picked Me Which Didn't Make Sense

I met this girl on Saturday night.
We were talking, shooting the breeze. I bought her a drink. She had a great laugh. Her face sort of crinkled up in a very attractive way.
We talked about our jobs and what we did outside our jobs. We talked about relationships. She was single.
While she talked, I watched her face. She wasn't looking over my shoulder, she was looking at me. She was talking and listening and smiling at me.
She told me she was picky which was why she was single.
You can see the dilemma. It didn't make sense.
I didn't ask for her number.
You can see the dilemma.
You idiot.

Me, Me, Me

Dear John

What seemed so close was delusory.
You get back from time away to one of those emails you don't want to receive. A kiss-off note from Date Girl.
After all the talking and all the laughter, just another kick in the gut.
Oh well, it never would have lasted, she made spelling mistakes and her syntax was clumsy.

Don't Even Think Of Asking About The Toilets

“Hey, so how was your holiday in Guatemala?”
“Very good, thanks. It’s a fascinating country. The indigenous Maya people built vast cities around 2,000 years ago before falling into decline as first drought and then the Spanish conquistadors devastated their population. After independence, a succession of wars and CIA backed right-wing military dictatorships decimated the country even more, yet the Maya still survive to this day and have managed to keep their rich culture and traditions intact.”
“Oh, wow… Really… So, was it sunny?”

My Bad For Going Somewhere Different

"Hey, I hear you're off on holiday, where are you going?"
"Guatemala," I said.
"Oh, wow... Guatemala... That's like central or south America, right?"
"Yeah, somewhere there," I said.
"Great... Great... So what is there to see there?"
"I don't know."
"Oh... So why... ?"
"Why what?" I said.
"Why Guatemala?"
"Why not?"

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

“Why don’t you write something funny?” she said.
“Nothing funny has happened to me recently,” I replied.
“Enough with the doom and gloom, I demand you write something funny.” She was giving me a hard time. I've known her a long time so I let her.
"Something funny like what?" I asked.
"I don't know, just something funny..."
We sat there, nursing our coffees, and both tried to think of something funny.
The Richard Gere and gerbil joke popped into my head but I don't think it's what she meant.